I was able to realize that up to a certain age that we’re chasing the time, we wanted to be older, we wanted to see what happens after, we expected the end of long summers to return to school. From a certain age on the other hand, I think different from person to person, but for me were the 25/26 years old, the time began to chasing me, and I understand the feeling of “old people” that years go on too quickly and are no more than a succession of Christmases, Easters and summers that are repeated endlessly.
For many people I’m still a “child” or almost in the most beautiful phase of life, for others, for the real young, however I’m too old for them, for me frankly do not know. I thought perhaps wrongly in the past two years that the most beautiful of my life has already passed, in part because it is certainly the most carefree and partly because everything that precedes the loss of my mother seems far away, unreachable, special moments and lights that will not happen again.
Perhaps it is the uniqueness, the uniqueness of those moments that makes me see so insignificant and perhaps with a little ‘of confusion and fear that, if life will take, I’m going to live in these years.
The loss of a mother like mine can not be exceeded, but you can learn to live with it. You can live with a disease, with some problems at work, with a man who doesn’t love you, human nature is very strong, or perhaps even more than the survival instinct that makes you stay afloat even lame, sad, and without a piece, if you still have air in the lungs.
The spirit of life doesn’t abandon us, everyone identifies in it’s own pattern of life, which is a sister, a son, love, family, everyone has their own reason to fight, and who apparently has not, has his own life, that as with few certainties and many reasons for sadness is still the most beautiful and the greatest gift we have.
At least I’ve always thought so, I’ve always been an admirer of life, and this was one of the things that my mother loved most of my character. My desire to savor life, to live it fully, to discover, to not be afraid of what you do not know but to be strongly attracted from it, all this for my mom was gorgeous. She was worried a bit from my excessive optimism, and my trust in others but at the same time she wanted to be infected. She wanted to see everything in bright colors and instead wrapped in a veil of gray. My mother wasn’t a sad person but let’s say that her greatest dreams, which were then very simple for someone who has always believed in the authentic values, were not reached in full.
Her greatest joy and purpose in life were just us two daughters. And I can not avoid to think that even though we loved with all our heart our mother we were not at the height of her infinite love. Maybe it’s a law of nature, or a common justification, it’s normal that a mother loves her children whatever they do, and I believe in most cases there is no doubt, but it is still sad that children do not understand how little need to make their parents live better, the same love that they give us every day.
I do not like to generalize, and I always try to avoid, but I think there is a good average of people who fall into certain standard physiologically. Always in fact children, is natural instinct, love and do the opposite of what the parents advise to them. But al least searching support in them, especially in the mother, for every need.
It ‘s true that in a long life as it should be the time will come when the support will reverse, but it does not seem right for those who do not get to that point, if they do not get to see the fruits of all them efforts.
Maybe I wandered a bit but it seemed right to make it clear that guilt is part of the vacuum that leaves you a great loss. My mother deserved only love, all the love in the world. Her smile warmed so many hearts and made smile so many children that nothing would be deserved if not a family, two daughters, that showed love every day of her life. Because isn’t important just spend time together, in our case a lot of time together, but it is important to pass it well. I came to think that it is more important the quality than the quantity. The quality is good for the heart, the soul, the amount is not good for anything, because if you are a person who easily forgets, however,you’ll remember only the moments of quality, but if you’re a very sensitive person will weigh the bad times as a big boulder on your life and you just have to wait for a better time that attenuates them.
I also tried this in my life and I decided that I do not have physical for this, I do not pretend only moments of joy but at least moments lived with serenity. And this is probably the only thing that my mother too wanted and we could not give her.
Now let’s talk instead of smile. The smile is the first thing I look in all photos, old or new, is in my index of “health.” It ‘s true that it is often built but it is also true that it is difficult to propose it well if you don’t really want, and a smile of heart is still recognized.
Usually the best times for spontaneous smiles are the ones after a couple of glasses of good red wine, when some filter disappears and true colors go out: the pink of the cheeks, the gleam of the eyes, and the colors of the soul. All things that make a smile, a person, unique. “See I know!” I would say to my love who reproaches me because sometimes I do not like some pics just because they are in profile or hairs are out of place. But that is vanity, pure and simple, seen all sexy and wounderful photos that magazines and television, as well as the facebook pages, offer to us all the time.
I was definitely a beautiful smile, enough contagious, up to a certain age. All equal to my mother, that has done me with a stencil. Great hope I thought, looking to her photos you see her with a beautiful smile untill the end, but now looking the photos of last few years I see myself already different, changed from before. I see more signs, more tension, more tired, I can see that solar person, less bright, and I try to understand the technique to regain light. Now that they have already been two years since the death of my mother, and I think I’ve found a bit of serenity, and above all the determination to know what I don’t want from life, I now think the time has come for me to wake up again,to build something new, to shine, to live fully.
To start this I think I need you, your ideas, your input, all that gives you joy in life and what is important to do it fully. What for a woman in 2013, a date that made us think only of robots and spaceships, makes the life still beautiful, makes us feel alive and unique, because each of us should feel unique.
P.S. Sorry for my english!..was a long time I didn’t write english!